We went through a lot of changes during my time in medical school and medical training. We moved multiple times across states, had a different schedule every week, my husband changed jobs, we had a baby, etc.
Through it all, we tried to be intentional about how we spent time together and made sure we were GROWING in love with one another.
I’ve been seeing a lot of books lately that are about getting things done. They have catchy titles and excellent intentions and real results. I know, because I have implemented a lot of the changes suggested in the books and honestly, these are the only nonfiction books I am even interested in. As the planner that I am, I really like putting systems in place to help me adjust to the crazy schedule that I am dealing with at any point in time.
Though I am excited about this productivity scene, but I wonder… to what end?
We are told by the world to
All for what?
During wedding ceremonies, there are symbolic rituals that people typically do. One of my favorite ones from our own wedding (8 years ago now, can’t believe it!) was the salt ceremony. If you have been to weddings, you have seen a million different variations of the same thing- the couple buys tons sand and has them in separate containers for the ceremony and then pours them into one container. This represents two lives, two homes, two people becoming combined. Even more- it is a covenantal representation, saying that the union is broken only if you can separate the grains of sand again after it has been poured in together (to signify the impossibility). Some people use different colored sand and then put it somewhere in their home to remind them of their covenant and for decoration.
Ours were identical containers of salt that we poured into a larger container, thus rendering the two collections of salt indistinguishable from one another.
I described this well-known marital ritual to now bring up a controversial topic. When we get married, there is no longer mine, and yours and everything becomes ours.
We become one flesh.
We have one home ( I mean I assume most of us have one home, but y’all may be Beyoncé and Jay for all I know).
Everything we have is combined.
That includes money, possessions, shoot, even leftover food.
Too often, I find myself saying things like my car, your keys, my food. The real term is – and say it with me- ours.
Rome often reminds me of this because the implications can be dangerous if you let the mentality behind the words mine and yours casually continue.
In fact, Rome would advocate for making it so that you CAN’T say this is mine and that is yours, especially for the big stuff. We have joint accounts, making sure that both people’s names are on the cars, and on our mortgage, etc.
This is marriage, that you are no longer two but have become intertwined as one.
Mark 10:8
and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
Also, shout out to Rome and I! We celebrated 8 years of marriage last month!
Love,
Lise (and Rome)
During this fine black history month, your girl turned 30.
I, too, can’t believe it. It’s as if the perpetually “young” one can’t be called young anymore, technically.
I suddenly get to giggle when people card me.
I have a husband, a child, a mortgage, taxes, a couple gray hairs, extra letters behind my name, etc, etc.
I can now say to my child a variety of black mom phrases, including, but not limited to, “Don’t you see grown folks talking?”
In some seriousness, I do want to take some time and reflect on how I have had to let go of what the 16 year old me imagined 30 year old me to be like. I have been having a lot of convos with my friends about this transition, so thank you guys for processing this with me. That 16 year old Lise had a lot of expectations and she was pretty hard to please.
If I could talk to that young lady, I would probably tell her a couple of things about her future life.
So, thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! I had so much chocolate cake and got lovely flowers and spent time with people I love.
Love,
30 year old Lise
Every time people bring up Rome (my husband), I have an opportunity.
I can use the opportunity to air out every little problem that I have been having with him, or I can speak words that would uplift him and encourage him if he were there listening.
This seems obvious, but it ‘s worth mentioning because sometimes married people (I’m looking at you, women) can get in these conversations that start out great, then somehow deviate to the realm of spouse-bashing.
“We’ll always be best friends because you know too much”
Rome and I allow each other to be completely transparent about our daily lives with a few Christian, married couples. We tell them everything, especially the big scary things about our marriage. Some wives/husbands are having palpitations while reading this, but follow with me here.
This originally began during our premarital class. We had a “double date” class, if you will, with some of our friends. As a result of doing premarital class with peers, we were really close to this couple afterwards. We knew a lot of their secrets, and they knew ours. We felt a kind of freedom when talking to them after this class. They already knew all of our baggage, how we each struggled, and our sinful tendencies toward each other. Moreover, we realized that they had some of the SAME experiences that we did. For more about premarital counseling and why I am a big proponent of it, click here.
Despite what the title of this post suggests, I don’t actually attend Men’s group. Rome, however, has been a part of a bible study, Saturday morning meet-up, or bro-squad of some form since about a year before we were engaged. It is one of my favorite things that Rome goes out and does. He seeks it out with intentionality and is committed to attending.
What qualifies as a men’s group? For me, it’s a gathering of Christian men who come together to share, to learn, and to teach other men how to live according to God’s word with practicality. I made up this definition through observation because some of the men’s groups that Rome attends are not always bible studies in the conventional sense. Sometimes they are a bunch of guys sitting around a campfire, discussing what it means to be a black Christian man in America and about Lecrae’s latest album. Other times it is a group meeting at the church for the specific reason of learning to be a better husband, father, and leader of the home.
Some of the reasons I am pushing Rome out of the door when I know he is going to men’s group:
1. He needs to be surrounded by like-minded men. My husband needs godly men who are going to sit around with him and talk about how they love their wives, how they do their jobs to God’s glory, and how they are growing and learning. Through these groups, he has built fellowship and gained mentors. He never has to feel alone when he is struggling because he is surrounded by such a great cloud of man-witnesses that encourage and help him.
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
2. It provides a place where he can be completely honest with guys he trusts.
More about letting a few trustworthy people within your couple business in another post, but there is a rule within most of the men’s groups that Rome is a part of: don’t talk to anyone outside about what goes on in men’s group. Because of this rule, many of the men feel more comfortable sharing some of their shameful, difficult sins and struggles without fear of their business being in the streets.
The accountability that Rome gets from these relationships is unmatched because every time they meet, they check in with their struggles, fears, and problems. These brothers are holding each other up during the torrential rains of the various seasons of life.
Psalm 27:17- As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
3. Prayer. Have you watched men of God pray for something in faith? I have, it’s a phenomenal thing to behold. I think that God holds a special ear for the prayer of men for their wives, family, country, city, world, etc. I think beautiful things would happen if more men were absolutely committed to prayer within the body of Christ.
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
These are just a few reasons why I am a big proponent of men’s group. I have seen a difference in the way that my husband leads our family, the way he works at his job, the way he treats me, and the way that we deal with problems as a direct result of men’s group.
For those of you who are saying: “Lise this is great and all, but my hubby/fiancé/boyfriend does not have this group of guys surrounding him that are serious about the Lord. I want him to have this. How can I help him?”
Glad you asked- as with everything, I am always going to encourage you to pray about this. Pray very specifically about what you want God to do in your husband’s life and in his relationships. Pray that he will have men around him that will help him to be sharpened and prepared to fight against temptation and every evil. Truly, this helps. Also, tell your husband that you are praying very specifically for this so that he can also have an eye out for guys that can be a part of his cohort of godly man-friends.
Some of you are saying, “Well my beau is so busy already, I don’t know if he will have time to add this in.” Don’t fret, there’s ample time within a day! He should try and find one hour a week (or every other week) where he can meet up with maybe ONE guy. It can be during lunch, right after work, before work, before working out, etc. There’s no standard for this, and he definitely can make it fit his life.
Love you guys!
Lise
As I reflect on my medical school matriculation, it is tempting to consider myself and say, “good job, Lise. You did that. You are now a doctor because of your hard work and intelligence.”
However, I know that thinking this would be a disservice to God who I felt gave me the idea to attend medical school, to become a physician. He is the one who sustained me throughout my time in school. He is the one who is responsible for the wonderful friends I have made and the mentors that I was blessed to find. He helped me pass my exams and he is the one who helped me match. He is teaching me, a baby healer, how to be like Him, the Great Healer. I am nothing without Him.
Keeping this truth in mind, I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity that medical school was. It was a beautiful journey of stretching my limitations and shifting my viewpoints. I learned much about medicine and the nature of humans. I have also internalized the fact that I have much more to learn.
Thank you to every single person who encouraged me and prayed for me. Thank you to my husband, who made sure that I remembered what was most important. Thank you to my mother, my original inspiration to become a physician and my very first mentor. Thank you to the rest of my family who kept tabs on how I was doing and feeling through it all. Thank you to my friends, who reminded me that there are also exciting things that happen outside of the hospital.
In other news, I spent most the two weeks before graduation on opposite sides of the country. I was in both Panama City Beach and in the Bay Area of California. I spent a grand total of half a day in JXN in those two weeks and I love it because traveling. Yes.
Panama City Beach
First, we went to Panama City Beach with some of our friends (basically crashing their vacation) and below are some of the activities I enjoyed the most. We had been here before on our honeymoon and it was really cool to see it during its active season. Restaurants and attractions are mostly closed during the winter and open up right before spring break.
Saltwater Grill
Even now, I can’t stop thinking about this restaurant! EVERYONE at the table finished their food and it was all so delicious. The service was amazing and although our waiter was relatively new, he was extremely knowledgeable and attentive.
I had the Shrimp and Scallop Penne a la Vodka, which was a manageable portion, especially for someone like me who has trouble with the incredibly large portions that restaurants expect you to finish. After I devoured my food, I realized I would have eaten the entire large portion because it was just that good.
I have plans to bring one of my uncles to this restaurant one day because I know he will just adore the food and the service here.
Sunset Cruise
This cruise was low stress and came with a complimentary drink. We lounged on the deck and watched dolphins play around in the water, all while listening to “island music”.
The sun setting over the ocean from this perspective was breathtaking and well worth the money we spent to check it out.
First Watch
THIS RIGHT HERE. This place has become one of my favorite breakfast spots. Rome and I got a chance to check this place out for breakfast while he was in Omaha, and when Rome likes a restaurant, we go back multiple times. My favorite thing here is their freshly squeezed orange juice. I am not normally an orange juice fan, preferring apple as my juice of choice. However, I can’t exaggerate when I talk about how delicious and fresh this orange juice is. I have never tasted anything like it and I am going to be at every First Watch I can find, ordering this orange juice in a large and finishing off Rome’s if he isn’t quick enough. My mouth is watering just thinking about how delectable it is. Their food also is very fresh, offering a variety of organic options for those who are interested.
San Francisco/ Mountainview/Bay Area
Just so you know and so that you don’t make the same mistakes as I did, I was THAT tourist. You know, that tourist who is from Mississippi and assumes that it is blazing hot summer everywhere. Even better, the one who doesn’t check the weather of wherever we are traveling to. More like, the one who checks the weather then completely ignores it because surely, it can’t really be that cold.
Yeah, I did that. San Francisco is cold, y’all. Anyway, on to the touristy stuff we did.
Ghirardelli Square
We checked this one out first. It is a former chocolate factory that was made into a shopping center filled with mostly confectionary items. There are restaurants and bakeries and various shops that will make you want to dash your diet to pieces. You can smell the chocolate from a mile away. Your nose will lead you to tasty treats here. You also get your first view of the wharf from this square because San Fran is on a hill and has many hills within its hills. There’s no escaping the hills.
This is a view of Coit Memorial Tower from one of the streets.
Fisherman’s Wharf
This is totally a tourist area. We walked up and down the wharf a couple of times, which is mostly a street filled with seafood restaurants that may or may not have some good things to offer. Chowder in breadbowls was one of my most commonly seen menu items. There are also a couple of tourist stores in this area if you’re looking for an I <3 San Francisco shirt. There are literally tons of people just milling about down here going to all the restaurants. We had some really fresh seafood off of one of the street vendors down here and then later on we came back to check out In and Out Burger because you can’t go to California without going to In and Out.
From the wharf, you can get a great view of Alcatraz island, which hosts the now-closed famous prison surrounded by water.
Union Square
This area contains a beautiful monument (The Dewey Memorial) in the center of a large shopping area. There is a mall a couple of blocks down from the monument and there are stores completely surrounding the place.
We went to Daily Grill close to the square for lunch and did a lot of window shopping and walking around in this area (I got my 20,000 steps this day). Rome has a story he likes to tell about the water I ordered at Daily Grill that was the most delicious water ever and costed 9 bucks. Lise Lise has accidental expensive taste.
San Francisco Zoo
Rome makes a point to go to zoos in almost every place we visit, if they have one. He likes to compare them to the D.C. zoo, which he grew up frequenting with his family. No zoo ever compares to the D.C. zoo for him, but he still gives other zoos a chance.
The San Francisco Zoo boasts graceful giraffes, zebras, lions, tigers, grizzly bears, African birds, an insect area, monkeys and chimpanzees. I think my favorite thing about this zoo was the Rainforest area. It is likely my favorite because we couldn’t find it and had to go on a scavenger hunt to find this area. When we got there, it was a pleasant 80 degrees inside the building (a respite from the windy, freezing zoo). The birds in this area are unrestrained for the most part and are close enough to touch. If I had any artistic ability whatsoever, I would have taken the time to sketch them and then I would have painted the vivid plumes adorning the birds I saw in this rainforest.
My most recent traveling adventure is not traveling at all but moving. I have officially moved to NJ and am trying my best to adult. I don’t know how my college classmates have been doing this for 4 years while I was still in school. I’m trying to be like you guys 😉
Talk to you soon!
Lise
“And they lived happily ever after…”
“In a relationship, things must be 50/50.”
“Make sure that you have different checking accounts because most of your arguments come from who is paying the bills.”
“Oh, but the honeymoon phase is over after a year, then you get sick of them.”
When people found out that I was engaged/married, they wanted to give me all the advice in the world. Random people I didn’t know tried to give me so much “good” advice. This, combined with commonly believed American myths, like the first one that I listed caused fairy princesses, like myself, to feel like we should have certain… expectations for our marriage. Namely, I felt like my prince charming should sweep me off into some mythical sunset after my wedding and then… I don’t know, I just wanted the proverbial sunset and the pretty white horse, okay?
When I showed up to my first premarital session, I brought these fairytale fantasies with me. I practically floated into the room with woodland creatures and my shiny new fiancé because we were perfectly meant for each other. We were so in love that this was really just a formality, anyway. We were really just doing this because it was something that our mentors recommended and we hold them in high regard.
Things in my mind before counseling included all of the following ridiculous statements. Couples that are healthy don’t have fights, naturally, because that means that your marriage is failing. Couples that are compatible when they get married stay that way because they just effortlessly “fit” together. I already knew that there is a “completion” that happens when you get married to your soulmate and you just finish each other’s sentences. You don’t have to think to understand each other because you just “get” it. Everything would just click into place on my wedding day because that clearly happens.
No. No. A million times no. The first 10 minutes of premarital counseling taught me that my beau and I had unrealistic expectations. We had bought into the lies that media and rom-coms taught us. My ideas were not consistent with a healthy and real marriage of the two sinful, broken, selfish people also known as Lise and Rome.
What is premarital counseling anyway?
Premarital counseling is a series of sessions with a married couple that can be conducted individually or even in a group setting. It allows a couple to evaluate their relationship honestly and openly. Its purpose is to prepare couples for marriage, utilizing the wisdom from a couple who has been there. Sometimes they go through a lesson guided by a book or they cover topics that are important for couples to talk about, like finances and baggage.
In my case, we were blessed to have mentors who have been married for 30+ years. One of them is a licensed marriage and family therapist and leads premarital and couple’s counseling amongst other things for a living (#blessed). We used the premarital book that she and her husband wrote together and we keep a copy of it because we refer to it all the time (I will have the link to it at the bottom of the page). We completed the semester-long course with another couple that we keep around because they know too many of our secrets. I’m only slightly joking about that one.
My boo and I are not having problems, why rock the boat?
Marriage is a different ball game. My hubby’s mentor likes to put it this way: You go to school for YEARS and you get trained for different jobs/ careers, especially if the task or job is particularly hard or requires some experience. Marriage is incredibly hard, why wouldn’t you want to learn as much about it as possible before jumping into it? Why would you think that this is any different than something important that you need to get trained for? Because Disney princesses, that’s why.
In other words, you will want to be prepared WHEN things come up, because they will. These things that come up can be a tool for strengthening your marriage and understanding your spouse better or they can be a source of constant conflict and a sore spot of hurt and pain.
It costs money! I don’t have money!
Indeed it does. It was an investment I was willing to make for my marriage because I wanted our relationship to be as strong as possible. Plus, I was willing to invest in my wedding, why not invest in my marriage? The wedding day doesn’t happen every day, in fact, it is only day 1 of a lifetime of being with this person and in this relationship. I wanted to invest in the other days so they could be just as beautiful as the first.
“Make sure that you have serious premarital counseling!” is the primary advice that I give couples that ask me questions who are newly engaged or even considering marriage. It helps so much with managing those unrealistic expectations, evaluating weaknesses in communication, teaching how to deal with conflict, and identifying baggage.
We refer to the concepts we learned in premarital counseling frequently because it helps us when we fight (Yes, Rome and I fight and it is good for us). I appreciated those candid talks so much and I know that Rome did too because these are some of the things he said about it.
“Premarital counseling allowed us to make an informed decision based on things we learned about each other and marriage. You got to see the ugliness of marriage beforehand to decide if you wanted to go through with it or not. It asks the questions you were too in love to ask and allows you to decide what things about your future spouse you can and can’t handle. It also gave us access to teachers who wanted to help us. It was the best thing we have done for our marriage.”
If you are reading this and saying that it’s too late for you because you are already married, never fear, there’s always hope if you are having problems or if you just want to do something that can ONLY strengthen your marriage. Marriage and family therapists do this for a living, even if you aren’t having any problems. I think it is so much better to be proactive and identify possible problems before they become very real problems. Therapists can be found everywhere and a simple google search for licensed marriage and family therapists should be a good start.
There are also retreats that you can attend, like Weekend to Remember, that provide the same therapy for married couples.
Love you guys! Enjoy your marriages!
Lise
Here is the link to the book that we used:
https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Marriage-Dating-Death-Part/dp/0692378626/ref=sr_1_36?ie=UTF8&qid=1495205885&sr=8-36&keywords=preparing+for+marriage
Rome’s shoulders were slumped. He held his face in his hands as he berated himself about the mistake he just made. He couldn’t believe that he was so careless and let something like this happen. Rome, my guy, was devastated.
When I see him in these moods, my heart breaks for him. I want to fix it immediately so we can go back to being goofy and full of laughter. This is the part where I take off every other hat I have in my arsenal and put on the hat of his helper. It is one of the wife-roles that I love because it makes me feel like I am empowered specially by Holy Spirit to help my guy. This is one of the things God MADE me to do.
These are some of the things that I do as my husband’s help-meet, his girl, and his friend to encourage him.
I pray deep intercessory prayers for him.
I love going to the Lord about my man. God and I want the same thing for him (ie- I want whatever God wants for him). When I am praying about him, I feel like God is just saying, “You know, I was thinking the same thing, Lise!” Plus, I love seeing God answer my prayers that I don’t tell Rome about. God just drops things in my guy’s mind and he thinks he came up with it, but really, it is God’s way of saying to me that he heard me and he is speaking to Rome about what I am telling him about.
I remind him of scripture.
This comes easily to me because I remind myself of scripture ALL THE TIME when I need encouragement. The word is one of the greatest tools that a wife has in her belt to encourage her hubby. I love putting the specific verses on notecards and leaving them on his desk or his computer because it lets him know I was thinking about him and thinking of verses that might be helpful to him.
I show him that I am his cheerleader.
I am Rome’s number 1 fan! Seeing my husband being beat up by the world is another reason to remind him that in my eyes, he is chosen, loved by God, special, capable, etc. I have learned that he needs to hear it from me! Instead of dwelling on the bad and reminding him of the bad things all the time, I try to give him some compliments on things I know he is trying to work on.
Example: Honey, you have been doing an excellent job with protecting me and our home. I can’t tell you how much I love that. 😉
I make his day easier.
When Rome is under a lot of stress, I can see him getting overwhelmed by all of his responsibilities and commitments. He simply can’t be superman all the time. So, I help him out and bear the burdens with him.
A simple, “Honey, how can I help you with all the things you are doing?” works wonders and makes him feel like he can manage things a little better.
These things are simple and sometimes take just a couple of minutes to do. I didn’t realize how much a kind and encouraging word meant until I started being intentional about encouraging him.
Verses for Reference
Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Love you guys!
Lise