Tag: black love

Our

Posted on by Analise

During wedding ceremonies, there are symbolic rituals that people typically do. One of my favorite ones from our own wedding (8 years ago now, can’t believe it!) was the salt ceremony.  If you have been to weddings, you have seen a million different variations of the same thing- the couple buys tons sand and has them in separate containers for the ceremony and then pours them into one container. This represents two lives, two homes, two people becoming combined. Even more- it is a covenantal representation, saying that the union is broken only if you can separate the grains of sand again after it has been poured in together (to signify the impossibility). Some people use different colored sand and then put it somewhere in their home to remind them of their covenant and for decoration.

Ours were identical containers of salt that we poured into a larger container, thus rendering the two collections of salt indistinguishable from one another.

I described this well-known marital ritual to now bring up a controversial topic. When we get married, there is no longer mine, and yours and everything becomes ours.

We become one flesh.

We have one home ( I mean I assume most of us have one home, but y’all may be Beyoncé and Jay for all I know).

Everything we have is combined.

That includes money, possessions, shoot, even leftover food.

Too often, I find myself saying things like my car, your keys, my food. The real term is – and say it with me- ours.

Rome often reminds me of this because the implications can be dangerous if you let the mentality behind the words mine and yours casually continue.

In fact, Rome would advocate for making it so that you CAN’T say this is mine and that is yours, especially for the big stuff. We have joint accounts, making sure that both people’s names are on the cars, and on our mortgage, etc.

This is marriage, that you are no longer two but have become intertwined as one.

Mark 10:8

and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Also, shout out to Rome and I! We celebrated 8 years of marriage last month!

Love,

Lise (and Rome)

30’s the new 30

Posted on by Analise

During this fine black history month, your girl turned 30.

I, too, can’t believe it. It’s as if the perpetually “young” one can’t be called young anymore, technically.

I suddenly get to giggle when people card me.

I have a husband, a child, a mortgage, taxes, a couple gray hairs, extra letters behind my name, etc, etc.

I can now say to my child a variety of black mom phrases, including, but not limited to, “Don’t you see grown folks talking?”

 

In some seriousness, I do want to take some time and reflect on how I have had to let go of what the 16 year old me imagined 30 year old me to be like. I have been having a lot of convos with my friends about this transition, so thank you guys for processing this with me. That 16 year old Lise had a lot of expectations and she was pretty hard to please.

If I could talk to that young lady, I would probably tell her a couple of things about her future life.

 

  1. Marriage is different than I thought it would be. I mean this in the best way. I didn’t realize that relationships require this amount of love, vulnerability, and  selflessness. I don’t think that 16 year old me could have fathomed that marriage meant that I would need to love in the same way I want to be loved. I definitely could not have imagined the wonderful person that I married. I could not have dreamt him up EVER.
  2. Motherhood is not just having a cute baby perched on my lap at all times. I never really thought it was that, but I could not have understood all of the things that my little girl needs from me. Kudos to those of you who had babies in their teen years! You get flowers, so many flowers.  Also, “Snapping back” is actually a societal expectation that will grab you by your neck and have you asking your body, “What’s wrong with you and why have you forsaken me?” After it grew a whole human for 9 months. Side note – thank you, body. You have done a wonderful thing.
  3. In my career, I didn’t expect to still be in training (seriously, it has been a LONG journey). I will admit, though,  I was just getting the inkling that I would want to pursue medicine as a career at 16. I was definitely not one of those people that knew they wanted to be a doctor from the age of 4.
  4. Friendships are a lot more complex than my poor 16 year old brain could handle. When you’re not in high school anymore and proximity friendships are ever changing (especially when you are moving all over the country constantly like I am), you realize that though you have love for all those people, people will weave in and out of your life during different times and that’s ok. You’ll learn from people you’ve met, make memories with them, and sometimes move on. Thank God for both types of friends- the long haul friendships as well as the transient ones.
  5. Faith is what ties it all together and makes me see beauty in all of the change that has happened since I was 16. I love what God is doing here with me and I’m encouraged that there is purpose and a plan here.

 

So, thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! I had so much chocolate cake and got lovely flowers and spent time with people I love.

 

Love,

30 year old Lise

Speaking Well of Your Spouse

Posted on by Analise

Every time people bring up Rome (my husband), I have an opportunity.

I can use the opportunity to air out every little problem that I have been having with him, or I can speak words that would uplift him and encourage him if he were there listening.

This seems obvious, but it ‘s worth mentioning because sometimes married people (I’m looking at you, women) can get in these conversations that start out great, then somehow deviate to the realm of spouse-bashing.

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