Category: Marriage

Our

Posted on by Analise

During wedding ceremonies, there are symbolic rituals that people typically do. One of my favorite ones from our own wedding (8 years ago now, can’t believe it!) was the salt ceremony.  If you have been to weddings, you have seen a million different variations of the same thing- the couple buys tons sand and has them in separate containers for the ceremony and then pours them into one container. This represents two lives, two homes, two people becoming combined. Even more- it is a covenantal representation, saying that the union is broken only if you can separate the grains of sand again after it has been poured in together (to signify the impossibility). Some people use different colored sand and then put it somewhere in their home to remind them of their covenant and for decoration.

Ours were identical containers of salt that we poured into a larger container, thus rendering the two collections of salt indistinguishable from one another.

I described this well-known marital ritual to now bring up a controversial topic. When we get married, there is no longer mine, and yours and everything becomes ours.

We become one flesh.

We have one home ( I mean I assume most of us have one home, but y’all may be Beyoncé and Jay for all I know).

Everything we have is combined.

That includes money, possessions, shoot, even leftover food.

Too often, I find myself saying things like my car, your keys, my food. The real term is – and say it with me- ours.

Rome often reminds me of this because the implications can be dangerous if you let the mentality behind the words mine and yours casually continue.

In fact, Rome would advocate for making it so that you CAN’T say this is mine and that is yours, especially for the big stuff. We have joint accounts, making sure that both people’s names are on the cars, and on our mortgage, etc.

This is marriage, that you are no longer two but have become intertwined as one.

Mark 10:8

and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Also, shout out to Rome and I! We celebrated 8 years of marriage last month!

Love,

Lise (and Rome)

Speaking Well of Your Spouse

Posted on by Analise

Every time people bring up Rome (my husband), I have an opportunity.

I can use the opportunity to air out every little problem that I have been having with him, or I can speak words that would uplift him and encourage him if he were there listening.

This seems obvious, but it ‘s worth mentioning because sometimes married people (I’m looking at you, women) can get in these conversations that start out great, then somehow deviate to the realm of spouse-bashing.

Continue reading “Speaking Well of Your Spouse” →

TMI Group

Posted on by Analise

“We’ll always be best friends because you know too much”

Rome and I allow each other to be completely transparent about our daily lives with a few Christian, married couples. We tell them everything, especially the big scary things about our marriage. Some wives/husbands are having palpitations while reading this, but follow with me here.

This originally began during our premarital class. We had a “double date” class, if you will, with some of our friends. As a result of doing premarital class with peers, we were really close to this couple afterwards. We knew a lot of their secrets, and they knew ours. We felt a kind of freedom when talking to them after this class. They already knew all of our baggage, how we each struggled, and our sinful tendencies toward each other. Moreover, we realized that they had some of the SAME experiences that we did. For more about premarital counseling and why I am a big proponent of it, click here.

Continue reading “TMI Group” →

Why I’m a HUGE Fan of Men’s Group

Posted on by Analise

Despite what the title of this post suggests, I don’t actually attend Men’s group. Rome, however, has been a part of a bible study, Saturday morning meet-up, or bro-squad of some form since about a year before we were engaged. It is one of my favorite things that Rome goes out and does. He seeks it out with intentionality and is committed to attending.
What qualifies as a men’s group? For me, it’s a gathering of Christian men who come together to share, to learn, and to teach other men how to live according to God’s word with practicality. I made up this definition through observation because some of the men’s groups that Rome attends are not always bible studies in the conventional sense. Sometimes they are a bunch of guys sitting around a campfire, discussing what it means to be a black Christian man in America and about Lecrae’s latest album. Other times it is a group meeting at the church for the specific reason of learning to be a better husband, father, and leader of the home.
Some of the reasons I am pushing Rome out of the door when I know he is going to men’s group:
1. He needs to be surrounded by like-minded men. My husband needs godly men who are going to sit around with him and talk about how they love their wives, how they do their jobs to God’s glory, and how they are growing and learning. Through these groups, he has built fellowship and gained mentors. He never has to feel alone when he is struggling because he is surrounded by such a great cloud of man-witnesses that encourage and help him.
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

2. It provides a place where he can be completely honest with guys he trusts.
More about letting a few trustworthy people within your couple business in another post, but there is a rule within most of the men’s groups that Rome is a part of: don’t talk to anyone outside about what goes on in men’s group. Because of this rule, many of the men feel more comfortable sharing some of their shameful, difficult sins and struggles without fear of their business being in the streets.
The accountability that Rome gets from these relationships is unmatched because every time they meet, they check in with their struggles, fears, and problems. These brothers are holding each other up during the torrential rains of the various seasons of life.

Psalm 27:17- As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

3. Prayer. Have you watched men of God pray for something in faith? I have, it’s a phenomenal thing to behold. I think that God holds a special ear for the prayer of men for their wives, family, country, city, world, etc. I think beautiful things would happen if more men were absolutely committed to prayer within the body of Christ.
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

These are just a few reasons why I am a big proponent of men’s group. I have seen a difference in the way that my husband leads our family, the way he works at his job, the way he treats me, and the way that we deal with problems as a direct result of men’s group.
For those of you who are saying: “Lise this is great and all, but my hubby/fiancé/boyfriend does not have this group of guys surrounding him that are serious about the Lord. I want him to have this. How can I help him?”
Glad you asked- as with everything, I am always going to encourage you to pray about this. Pray very specifically about what you want God to do in your husband’s life and in his relationships. Pray that he will have men around him that will help him to be sharpened and prepared to fight against temptation and every evil. Truly, this helps. Also, tell your husband that you are praying very specifically for this so that he can also have an eye out for guys that can be a part of his cohort of godly man-friends.
Some of you are saying, “Well my beau is so busy already, I don’t know if he will have time to add this in.” Don’t fret, there’s ample time within a day! He should try and find one hour a week (or every other week) where he can meet up with maybe ONE guy. It can be during lunch, right after work, before work, before working out, etc. There’s no standard for this, and he definitely can make it fit his life.

Love you guys!
Lise

Premarital Counseling

Posted on by Analise

“And they lived happily ever after…”

“In a relationship, things must be 50/50.”

“Make sure that you have different checking accounts because most of your arguments come from who is paying the bills.”

“Oh, but the honeymoon phase is over after a year, then you get sick of them.”

When people found out that I was engaged/married, they wanted to give me all the advice in the world. Random people I didn’t know tried to give me so much “good” advice. This, combined with commonly believed American myths, like the first one that I listed caused fairy princesses, like myself, to feel like we should have certain… expectations for our marriage. Namely, I felt like my prince charming should sweep me off into some mythical sunset after my wedding and then… I don’t know, I just wanted the proverbial sunset and the pretty white horse, okay?

When I showed up to my first premarital session, I brought these fairytale fantasies with me. I practically floated into the room with woodland creatures and my shiny new fiancé because we were perfectly meant for each other. We were so in love that this was really just a formality, anyway. We were really just doing this because it was something that our mentors recommended and we hold them in high regard.

Things in my mind before counseling included all of the following ridiculous statements. Couples that are healthy don’t have fights, naturally, because that means that your marriage is failing. Couples that are compatible when they get married stay that way because they just effortlessly “fit” together.  I already knew that there is a “completion” that happens when you get married to your soulmate and you just finish each other’s sentences. You don’t have to think to understand each other because you just “get” it. Everything would just click into place on my wedding day because that clearly happens.

No. No. A million times no. The first 10 minutes of premarital counseling taught me that my beau and I had unrealistic expectations. We had bought into the lies that media and rom-coms taught us. My ideas were not consistent with a healthy and real marriage of the two sinful, broken, selfish people also known as Lise and Rome.

 

What is premarital counseling anyway?

Premarital counseling is a series of sessions with a married couple that can be conducted individually or even in a group setting. It allows a couple to evaluate their relationship honestly and openly. Its purpose is to prepare couples for marriage, utilizing the wisdom from a couple who has been there. Sometimes they go through a lesson guided by a book or they cover topics that are important for couples to talk about, like finances and baggage.

In my case, we were blessed to have mentors who have been married for 30+ years. One of them is a licensed marriage and family therapist and leads premarital and couple’s counseling amongst other things for a living (#blessed). We used the premarital book that she and her husband wrote together and we keep a copy of it because we refer to it all the time (I will have the link to it at the bottom of the page). We completed the semester-long course with another couple that we keep around because they know too many of our secrets. I’m only slightly joking about that one.

 

My boo and I are not having problems, why rock the boat?

Marriage is a different ball game. My hubby’s mentor likes to put it this way: You go to school for YEARS and you get trained for different jobs/ careers, especially if the task or job is particularly hard or requires some experience. Marriage is incredibly hard, why wouldn’t you want to learn as much about it as possible before jumping into it? Why would you think that this is any different than something important that you need to get trained for? Because Disney princesses, that’s why.

In other words, you will want to be prepared WHEN things come up, because they will. These things that come up can be a tool for strengthening your marriage and understanding your spouse better or they can be a source of constant conflict and a sore spot of hurt and pain.

 

It costs money! I don’t have money!

Indeed it does. It was an investment I was willing to make for my marriage because I wanted our relationship to be as strong as possible. Plus, I was willing to invest in my wedding, why not invest in my marriage? The wedding day doesn’t happen every day, in fact, it is only day 1 of a lifetime of being with this person and in this relationship. I wanted to invest in the other days so they could be just as beautiful as the first.

 

“Make sure that you have serious premarital counseling!” is the primary advice that I give couples that ask me questions who are newly engaged or even considering marriage. It helps so much with managing those unrealistic expectations, evaluating weaknesses in communication, teaching how to deal with conflict, and identifying baggage.

We refer to the concepts we learned in premarital counseling frequently because it helps us when we fight (Yes, Rome and I fight and it is good for us). I appreciated those candid talks so much and I know that Rome did too because these are some of the things he said about it.

“Premarital counseling allowed us to make an informed decision based on things we learned about each other and marriage. You got to see the ugliness of marriage beforehand to decide if you wanted to go through with it or not. It asks the questions you were too in love to ask and allows you to decide what things about your future spouse you can and can’t handle. It also gave us access to teachers who wanted to help us. It was the best thing we have done for our marriage.”

If you are reading this and saying that it’s too late for you because you are already married, never fear, there’s always hope if you are having problems or if you just want to do something that can ONLY strengthen your marriage. Marriage and family therapists do this for a living, even if you aren’t having any problems. I think it is so much better to be proactive and identify possible problems before they become very real problems. Therapists can be found everywhere and a simple google search for licensed marriage and family therapists should be a good start.

There are also retreats that you can attend, like Weekend to Remember, that provide the same therapy for married couples.

 

 

Love you guys! Enjoy your marriages!

Lise

 

 

Here is the link to the book that we used:

https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Marriage-Dating-Death-Part/dp/0692378626/ref=sr_1_36?ie=UTF8&qid=1495205885&sr=8-36&keywords=preparing+for+marriage

Encouraging My Husband

Posted on by Analise

 

Rome’s shoulders were slumped. He held his face in his hands as he berated himself about the mistake he just made. He couldn’t believe that he was so careless and let something like this happen. Rome, my guy, was devastated.

When I see him in these moods, my heart breaks for him. I want to fix it immediately so we can go back to being goofy and full of laughter. This is the part where I take off every other hat I have in my arsenal and put on the hat of his helper. It is one of the wife-roles that I love because it makes me feel like I am empowered specially by Holy Spirit to help my guy. This is one of the things God MADE me to do.

 

These are some of the things that I do as my husband’s help-meet, his girl, and his friend to encourage him.

I pray deep intercessory prayers for him.

I love going to the Lord about my man. God and I want the same thing for him (ie- I want whatever God wants for him). When I am praying about him, I feel like God is just saying, “You know, I was thinking the same thing, Lise!” Plus, I love seeing God answer my prayers that I don’t tell Rome about. God just drops things in my guy’s mind and he thinks he came up with it, but really, it is God’s way of saying to me that he heard me and he is speaking to Rome about what I am telling him about.

I remind him of scripture.

This comes easily to me because I remind myself of scripture ALL THE TIME when I need encouragement. The word is one of the greatest tools that a wife has in her belt to encourage her hubby. I love putting the specific verses on notecards and leaving them on his desk or his computer because it lets him know I was thinking about him and thinking of verses that might be helpful to him.

I show him that I am his cheerleader.

I am Rome’s number 1 fan! Seeing my husband being beat up by the world is another reason to remind him that in my eyes, he is chosen, loved by God, special, capable, etc. I have learned that he needs to hear it from me! Instead of dwelling on the bad and reminding him of the bad things all the time, I try to give him some compliments on things I know he is trying to work on.

Example: Honey, you have been doing an excellent job with protecting me and our home. I can’t tell you how much I love that. 😉

I make his day easier.

When Rome is under a lot of stress, I can see him getting overwhelmed by all of his responsibilities and commitments. He simply can’t be superman all the time. So, I help him out and bear the burdens with him.

A simple, “Honey, how can I help you with all the things you are doing?”  works wonders and makes him feel like he can manage things a little better.

 

 

These things are simple and sometimes take just a couple of minutes to do. I didn’t realize how much a kind and encouraging word meant until I started being intentional about encouraging him.

 

Verses for Reference

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

 

Love you guys!

Lise

Smell Beautiful

Posted on by Analise

Shortly after getting married, I realized that I would have to be very selective in who I allowed myself to get advice from. There were all kinds of people that latched on to me because I was young and married. I know that they meant well and wanted me to avoid the mistakes they made, but they tried to give me all kinds of foolish advice. If I listened to what EVERYONE was telling me to do in my relationship, I don’t even know where we would be. My hubby feels the same way about a lot of the advice he has received.

On the other hand there is a group of women in my church who took me under their wing since I joined the couples’ class. One of them is my mentor. I did premarital counseling with her and her husband of 30+ years and it was the best thing I could have ever done for my marriage. She has given me some of the best advice and I still ask her questions every time one comes up. I thought I would share one of the nuggets with you.

As an African – American woman, I ALWAYS wear a scarf to sleep. I have been doing this since I was a baby child. My husband knew who he was marrying and so didn’t expect anything less. I have been meaning to invest in a satin pillow, but I feel like the effect will be the same since I don’t sleep with my hair in all of its glorious fro-ness but in two buns on either side of my head or in two strand twists (I’m just being real).

I say this to say that I don’t go to bed how I go out into the world, but my hubby still has to see it. In fact, he is the only one who has to see it! I felt like it wasn’t fair to him since I knew how much he loved seeing my hair out and playing with it. I wanted to show him that I still cared about how he sees me when I go to bed (mind you, my husband always tells me that I look beautiful, even with sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on)

My mentor gave me this piece of advice.

 

Always come to bed smelling lovely. THIS. This is something I can control. I can do this!

I bought some lotions and sprays  from Bath and Body Works to put on after my evening shower, and I have to admit, it feels decadent to get in the bed smelling like a cupcake. Even more, I make the entire bed smell like hot chocolate and vanilla pastries. Who doesn’t want to smell like a lemon tart when they go to sleep so they can dream of birthday cake and glazed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme? Success.

Plus, bae loves it. He noticed immediately (I mean how can you not when your bed smells like sweet potato pie?) and was sure to tell me that he loved it and appreciated all the effort I was putting into our marriage.

Yeah, all that from 3 sprays of something that smells like dessert. 100 points to Gryffindor!

 

Ladies, try it out and let me know if you utilize smell-goods to add some beauty to your sleep routine.

 

Fellas, ladies love it when you smell nice. Trust me. Try using a new cologne when you go out, I bet she will notice and compliment it. If you aren’t sure which one she will like, have her pick it out. I know I am super selective about colognes that my guy wears and I take a certain pride in knowing that he is wearing what I picked out because of my excellent nose.

 

Have fun in your marriages!

 

Lise

 

Tutti Dolce Collection – Body Crème and Fragrance Mist in Golden Honey Praline

Golden Magnolia Fine Fragrance Mist

A Thousand Wishes Fine Fragrance Mist