Month: May 2017

Premarital Counseling

Posted on by Analise

“And they lived happily ever after…”

“In a relationship, things must be 50/50.”

“Make sure that you have different checking accounts because most of your arguments come from who is paying the bills.”

“Oh, but the honeymoon phase is over after a year, then you get sick of them.”

When people found out that I was engaged/married, they wanted to give me all the advice in the world. Random people I didn’t know tried to give me so much “good” advice. This, combined with commonly believed American myths, like the first one that I listed caused fairy princesses, like myself, to feel like we should have certain… expectations for our marriage. Namely, I felt like my prince charming should sweep me off into some mythical sunset after my wedding and then… I don’t know, I just wanted the proverbial sunset and the pretty white horse, okay?

When I showed up to my first premarital session, I brought these fairytale fantasies with me. I practically floated into the room with woodland creatures and my shiny new fiancé because we were perfectly meant for each other. We were so in love that this was really just a formality, anyway. We were really just doing this because it was something that our mentors recommended and we hold them in high regard.

Things in my mind before counseling included all of the following ridiculous statements. Couples that are healthy don’t have fights, naturally, because that means that your marriage is failing. Couples that are compatible when they get married stay that way because they just effortlessly “fit” together.  I already knew that there is a “completion” that happens when you get married to your soulmate and you just finish each other’s sentences. You don’t have to think to understand each other because you just “get” it. Everything would just click into place on my wedding day because that clearly happens.

No. No. A million times no. The first 10 minutes of premarital counseling taught me that my beau and I had unrealistic expectations. We had bought into the lies that media and rom-coms taught us. My ideas were not consistent with a healthy and real marriage of the two sinful, broken, selfish people also known as Lise and Rome.

 

What is premarital counseling anyway?

Premarital counseling is a series of sessions with a married couple that can be conducted individually or even in a group setting. It allows a couple to evaluate their relationship honestly and openly. Its purpose is to prepare couples for marriage, utilizing the wisdom from a couple who has been there. Sometimes they go through a lesson guided by a book or they cover topics that are important for couples to talk about, like finances and baggage.

In my case, we were blessed to have mentors who have been married for 30+ years. One of them is a licensed marriage and family therapist and leads premarital and couple’s counseling amongst other things for a living (#blessed). We used the premarital book that she and her husband wrote together and we keep a copy of it because we refer to it all the time (I will have the link to it at the bottom of the page). We completed the semester-long course with another couple that we keep around because they know too many of our secrets. I’m only slightly joking about that one.

 

My boo and I are not having problems, why rock the boat?

Marriage is a different ball game. My hubby’s mentor likes to put it this way: You go to school for YEARS and you get trained for different jobs/ careers, especially if the task or job is particularly hard or requires some experience. Marriage is incredibly hard, why wouldn’t you want to learn as much about it as possible before jumping into it? Why would you think that this is any different than something important that you need to get trained for? Because Disney princesses, that’s why.

In other words, you will want to be prepared WHEN things come up, because they will. These things that come up can be a tool for strengthening your marriage and understanding your spouse better or they can be a source of constant conflict and a sore spot of hurt and pain.

 

It costs money! I don’t have money!

Indeed it does. It was an investment I was willing to make for my marriage because I wanted our relationship to be as strong as possible. Plus, I was willing to invest in my wedding, why not invest in my marriage? The wedding day doesn’t happen every day, in fact, it is only day 1 of a lifetime of being with this person and in this relationship. I wanted to invest in the other days so they could be just as beautiful as the first.

 

“Make sure that you have serious premarital counseling!” is the primary advice that I give couples that ask me questions who are newly engaged or even considering marriage. It helps so much with managing those unrealistic expectations, evaluating weaknesses in communication, teaching how to deal with conflict, and identifying baggage.

We refer to the concepts we learned in premarital counseling frequently because it helps us when we fight (Yes, Rome and I fight and it is good for us). I appreciated those candid talks so much and I know that Rome did too because these are some of the things he said about it.

“Premarital counseling allowed us to make an informed decision based on things we learned about each other and marriage. You got to see the ugliness of marriage beforehand to decide if you wanted to go through with it or not. It asks the questions you were too in love to ask and allows you to decide what things about your future spouse you can and can’t handle. It also gave us access to teachers who wanted to help us. It was the best thing we have done for our marriage.”

If you are reading this and saying that it’s too late for you because you are already married, never fear, there’s always hope if you are having problems or if you just want to do something that can ONLY strengthen your marriage. Marriage and family therapists do this for a living, even if you aren’t having any problems. I think it is so much better to be proactive and identify possible problems before they become very real problems. Therapists can be found everywhere and a simple google search for licensed marriage and family therapists should be a good start.

There are also retreats that you can attend, like Weekend to Remember, that provide the same therapy for married couples.

 

 

Love you guys! Enjoy your marriages!

Lise

 

 

Here is the link to the book that we used:

https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Marriage-Dating-Death-Part/dp/0692378626/ref=sr_1_36?ie=UTF8&qid=1495205885&sr=8-36&keywords=preparing+for+marriage

4 Things I Wish I Had Done Before Starting Medical School

Posted on by Analise

Before I got to college, I knew that I wanted to become a doctor. I just wasn’t aware of all the time and effort it would take to complete this journey to MD.

Disclaimer about this post: I am going to forever keep it real with you guys. I am not afraid to share my failures in hopes that someone else can learn from them. I can’t pretend to be perfect.

I went to college with a goal in mind, but I didn’t attack my classes and my life in general as a future physician would. I pretended as if I didn’t already know my weaknesses (Hey Math, I’m looking at you). Flailing around and hoping for the best was my mode of operation because I was brilliant, right? Answer: no, Lise is not brilliant, and even if she was, I don’t know that it would have helped her.

 

Some things I wish I had done:

  1. Hit the ground running with my classes.

I was taking some of the hardest classes on campus, yet I thought I would be able to keep up with the same apathetic high school class work effort. I went to all my classes, but I didn’t go to them prepared. I wasn’t focused and I essentially went as if I was going to watch a rom-com. I did this every day for an entire semester! You would think I would have learned sometime in the middle that I needed to get my life, and quickly, but no.

I didn’t keep in mind that I was LEARNING a lot of this stuff for the first time. In high school, I was just memorizing facts that I knew would be on an exam. It came easily to me then, so I thought it would come easily to me this time around.

This was a completely different ball game. “You mean anything is fair game? Even if we didn’t talk about it in class? So you don’t have to use the questions that you gave us on the study guide? There is a book associated with this class?”, were all questions that went through my head as I drowned in my first semester. I learned later that all this information I was avoiding learning would be resurrected when I was studying for the MCAT.

Why is this even important, Analise? Because when these topics showed up again on the MCAT, I wasn’t prepared. As much as I hate to admit it, I should have been taking notes and learning like I wanted to be able to REVIEW (instead of truly learn it the first time) it to prepare for this exam.

 

  1. Focused MCAT prep.

I had MCAT prep classes, I did the studying. However, if I had studied for the MCAT as I have studied for STEP 1 and STEP 2, it would have made a huge difference in my score (Hindsight is always 20/20 right?). This just means that when I studied for the MCAT, that was supposed to be my job. I was supposed to set a schedule and have a plan, but that is not how it went. I was haphazardly studying here and there, getting distracted then coming back to it, and wasting time and then wondering where it went… and then I took the test. That is not how I succeed in life, I’ve learned.

I could have taken the time to delve deep into my studying and given myself the freedom to put everything else on hold for that short time. 

 

  1. Learned more about how I study best.

I knew that there was no way to simulate the situation that is medical school. I was told this many times before I started school, and now that I have almost finished school (Yay, 2 weeks away!), I completely agree. There is no reason to try and simulate it, nor do I think any simulation will be accurate.

However, I do think that having a plan when beginning matriculation is invaluable to success. This is especially important in the beginning when we learned so much, so fast. I simply didn’t have time to sit and think about how I was going to study. My study style changed when I went through the different classes and years, but the tried and true methods were good places to start.

The way that I studied for the MCAT was an excellent way to start off with studying.

 

  1. Organized my life.

I wish that I had taken organization seriously! After my first year in college, I realized that my same methods that I employed in high school would still work, I just needed to make fit my schedule more. I started doing them and didn’t look back. If I had employed these methods in my first year, I would have been less dazed and confused and more prepared.

 

Love you guys and hope this helps!

Lise