We went through a lot of changes during my time in medical school and medical training. We moved multiple times across states, had a different schedule every week, my husband changed jobs, we had a baby, etc.
Through it all, we tried to be intentional about how we spent time together and made sure we were GROWING in love with one another.
My husband isn’t in medicine and so this is from that lens, clearly it will be different for anyone whose spouse is also in medicine.
Here are some ideas for how you and your spouse can build your marriage while you are in the throes of residency training.
- Praying together/Going to Church together
As I have said before, going to church, being a part of a bible study, being around other Christians really helped us during those busy times. There were certainly times I couldn’t make it to church and/or bible study, but being around other Christian women whose pursuit was a godly marriage was helpful to keep that at the forefront of our relationship.
- Communication
This includes letting them know when you’re on call, but also just managing expectations based on different seasons. Let them know when you’re on light rotations vs busy rotations vs unpredictable ones. For instance, it was really helpful for Rome to know when I was on ICU because not only would I sometimes not make it home at my usual time, but I would come home depleted after rough days of delivering difficult news and lots of procedures. He knew when I was on cardiology so he could know I would be under the pressure of trying to prove myself (Hi there, impostor syndrome).
Also, even though your life is consumed by medicine at times, make sure you are intentionally getting out of your own head to find out what is going on in your spouse’s world. If they stay at home with children- how were the kids today? If they work in corporate America- finding out what kind of projects they are working on and what is interesting and exciting that they are working on? I found that this helped me get out of my own little medicine bubble too.
- Let them grow with you or show your growth
As you’re talking about work, talk about victories, things that you have learned. Talk about the failures, the joys, the times you cried (or didn’t cry and now wonder if you’re a monster). Let them in. HIPAA compliant style, of course.
Talk about your dreams and hopes and goals – do you want to do a fellowship? Why? Why not? Are you now thinking you want to work in private practice in Idaho rather than the academic job in Charlotte? Keep them up to date with the small decisions you are making daily. Bring them into your head.
- Make time for one another
This is the tough one. How do you make time for someone when you don’t even feel like you have enough time for yourself sometimes?
We used to do this thing where we would take 5 minutes to debrief and talk about the day during really busy times. After that short 5 minutes, we would probably have to go our separate ways and do what we had to do (usually I just had time to eat quickly and go to sleep).
Even though this sounds like it sucked, it was just a reality during those busy internal medicine floors months or ICU months. It wasn’t easy, but we still were able to make time for one another.
- Go on dates/be intentional about time off
During my days off, usually my one day a week, Rome and I would find something to do- go to New York, try out a restaurant, go to a park, go to a diner with friends, etc.
It ended up making my days off feel really relaxing and fun and I often joke that when I’m not at work, I get to act like I’ve never seen the inside of a hospital.
That being said, I never went to the grocery store (more on this in another post) because it felt like my very limited free time was just better spent doing something else.
- Keeping the big picture in mind
Residency is only for a specified amount of time and these years are the foundations for the rest of your life together. Building good communication and going through a lot of these things together (to some degree), will help you have context in the future for your career in medicine (and married to medicine in terms of your spouse if they aren’t in medicine).
Also, if you’re having trouble that you think a professional should handle, don’t hesitate to reach out to your church for recommendations on counselors or, if you feel more comfortable, look up marriage counseling in your area. This post is by no means to take any place of a marriage counseling professional.
Let me know some of the things that have helped you in your marriage/relationship while you have been in residency!
Lise