Every time people bring up Rome (my husband), I have an opportunity.
I can use the opportunity to air out every little problem that I have been having with him, or I can speak words that would uplift him and encourage him if he were there listening.
This seems obvious, but it ‘s worth mentioning because sometimes married people (I’m looking at you, women) can get in these conversations that start out great, then somehow deviate to the realm of spouse-bashing.
I know because I have gotten into these conversations before and I also struggle with this sometimes. It’s hard to turn the conversations around when they start, and then somehow, it’s harder to keep them from being recurring conversations.
They seem harmless, until they aren’t.
My experience is that the more you do this- bashing your spouse- the easier it becomes. Eventually, it may become easier to say negative things about your spouse than it is to say positive things about them to other people.
I also think that this airing out of negativity may bleed into your own perception of them. For example, you may frequently complain to your friend about how he leaves the toilet seat up or how she always takes 2 hours to get ready (I used stereotypes for the sake of the example). You may also find yourself feeling resentful of them for something that it feels like you’ve brought up a million times, but truly have been bringing up to everyone but them.
So what can I do, Lise?
If you are having a hard time thinking of something good to say about your person- don’t lie, be honest without bashing them. For example- “We are having a little bit of a hard time right now, but we are working through it.” I have said this a couple of times when Rome and I were having trouble.
Even better, you can say something good, loving, kind, and thoughtful about them, however, I understand that this isn’t always possible.
This doesn’t apply to those TMI Group friendships I talked about in a previous blog post, but I would hope that your TMI friends wouldn’t stand for you just bashing your spouse. That’s part of the deal- helping you keep your head straight.
I think God is most honored when we attempt to speak well of our spouses, it affirms what He has done in our lives by bringing us together in marriage. It acknowledges that we are both sinful, but this person you’re with is loved by God and is bone of YOUR bone and flesh of YOUR flesh. If their own spouse is bashing them, where can they turn for uplifting?
The extra layer I will add onto this one is of course the layer of being married to a black man. There is so much bashing that goes on from the world that my own bashing doesn’t need to be added to the mix.
When my husband thinks of me, I want him to find comfort in knowing that I am trying to be careful with how I speak of him to others. I want him to know that I approve of him and love him and I show that all the time, especially when he isn’t around.
Some tips when thinking of what to say about what is going on with your spouse.
- Would they be hurt if they heard me saying this?
- Have I talked to them about this and are they ok with me sharing this information with this particular person?
- Am I saying the things I’m saying because I want to get back at my spouse for something?
- Is this going to increase this person’s opinion of my spouse or not?
If one of these answers is not right, then choose to not say anything or say something honest that doesn’t go into the realm of bashing. You’ve got this.
Love you guys,
Lise